All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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