His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
