Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize