Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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