Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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