my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
