when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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