First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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