Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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