Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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