No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize