Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
