When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
