Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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