kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
