As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
