You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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