Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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