you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
