I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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