i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
