What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
