i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We have so much sex to catch up on
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
