thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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