I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
