My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
