I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
