He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
