I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
