Please, let me fuck your mom
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
