I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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