Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
