God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
