I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
