We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
