The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
