if you like me you must not know who I am
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize