So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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