and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
