foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
