Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
