I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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