he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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