wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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