You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
