I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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