My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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