and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
