I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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