I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
