We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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