i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
