Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
