the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
