I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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