The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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