Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Come share oat with me in your robe
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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