I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
