dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
