Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
