Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think my moral compass just broke
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