he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
