and she was petting her beer can
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
