Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
