Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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