Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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